Joe and I were very young, and were sure we knew what we wanted, so at the age of 17, the two of us got married. Six months after the wedding, I found myself expecting, even though I had been taking the pill for months. We were both shocked, but I got over it and settled into the idea of being a mom pretty fast.

Joe had a harder time and we both struggled through that. Nine months later I gave birth to our son, Patrick. I had a horrible time having him because I asked for an epidural and it caused me to go into respiratory distress. It was the scariest thing I had ever experienced. I had to have support breathing for over an hour. I was convinced that I was going to die. I also had the worst spinal headache afterwards that kept me bedridden for two days. Not a good start for mothering at all.

By the time Patrick was six months old I was determined to never go through that again. I went to Planned Parenthood to see about getting my tubes tied. They turned me away explaining that they could not "help" me until I was 21. I was very disappointed, but decided I would be back as soon as I reached that birthday.

One month after my 21st birthday, I became pregnant again. I had missed using my diaphragm one time, thinking I was "safe" since I was still bleeding some. I was scared but I knew that "not" having him was not an option. At my first prenatal appointment I begged the doctor to let me get my tubes tied after the birth.

He told me I was way too young. I asked each doctor I saw throughout the pregnancy to please let me get my tubes tied. All but one said I was way too young. They wouldn't let me fill out the forms ahead of time so I resigned myself to waiting until the birth to get the paper work done, but relieved that at least one doctor would allow it. Joe was in complete agreement on this being the last one.

Meanwhile, scared of a repeat of the first birth, I found a wonderful book to help me try to have a drug free delivery. It was Husband-Coached Childbirth by Robert A. Bradley, MD. His book spoke to my heart about how God had designed the birth process to be safe and even joyful! I was skeptical, but hopeful at the same time.

Coming so close to dying the first time, my only hope was to make it through alive. I didn't know if I could do it naturally, but I didn't want to die either. This birth was a gift from God! I had only six hours of active labor and it was completely painless! I was surprised but so elated I couldn't believe it! I had another son, Bobby. I was on cloud nine for days after.

But the bitter decision I had made earlier still loomed large in my thinking. I was partly convinced that my good fortune in this birth was a fluke, not something I could count on. Plus, I believed that I was not a good mother because of the difficulty I had bonding with Patrick. I thought that I lacked maternal feelings.

I filled out the forms for the tubal ligation. Joe was never asked to participate except to verbally give his agreement. This surprised me, but since I was a bit of a feminist at the time, I thought it was fitting. I had Bobby on Friday night and was scheduled for the surgery the following morning. I was bumped that day and the next due to emergencies on the ward.

On Monday, I was the fourth of four women scheduled for tubals. If I hadn't been waiting for surgery, I could have gone home on Sunday. I was a very determined young woman, so sure this was what I wanted. There was only room for three surgeries on the schedule, so I was going to have to leave after all. Then one of the women ahead of me had some bad lab values and she was bumped. I got her slot. Looking back, I see that the Lord was offering me a way out.

Within three weeks I had doubts about the surgery. I settled into mothering my new baby much more easily than I expected. I had maternal feelings I had waited months to get with Patrick. I was so in love with both of my children. It was beyond anything I had previously felt capable of.